The Desire to Be Chosen

There was a time in my life when I was waiting for a man to come along and choose me. Choose me as his wife, his best friend, his confidante, and, yes, especially his lover. In many ways, it felt as though life would somehow begin once I was elected into this exciting position of someone's wife. It seemed as though I would somehow be affirmed and blend in with societal expectations if only some man chose me.

You can imagine my joy when I finally ended up in that relationship that led to a ring and the promise of another one that I would wear as close to my heart as possible. I began to plan a wedding, then I realized that would be a mistake. I needed to plan a marriage, a lifetime. It may have worked, too, except I started plans and my future husband refused to take any affirmative action in any direction. I realized for the first time that he was passive. But was he passive about me? Or just had a passive disposition?

So here I am: single, never been married. I used to blame God for causing me to be single despite giving me marital thoughts and desires. Later I learned to thank God because I saw how He had kept me from myself and from the troubles that I would have had with that particular man. But, now that I accept my fiance was not my husband, I still question where my husband is and if he even exists.

In this time of waiting, I have looked at marital relationships - those that thrive and those that deteriorate from the moment vows are exchanged. In this blog, I hope to explore some revelations about marriage and singleness.